I had been assigned to preach at mass this morning. Today is Sunday. My turn comes up only about ever six or seven weeks. I had just preached on the feast of the Angels on Thursday, and had the idea in my head that since I had just preached...well — I wouldn't be assigned to preach again for a little while. So I never even looked at the calendar in the sacristy where the mass presiders are listed — until about five minutes before Sunday mass began when I was gently informed by the Prior: "Fr. Raphael — I believe you have the mass this morning."

Maybe only if you think of a really bad dream can you imagine what it feels like for a priest to be told, five minutes before mass begins: "Father — you have the mass and the sermon this morning..." and to have nothing — absolutely nothing prepared. The "Accuser", as Jesus referred to Satan, becomes terrifyingly real at this moment. For just a moment, you stand absolutely alone before the Accuser. For just one insane moment, there is no church, no community of brothers, no Blessed Virgin Mary, no Holy Spirit, no Jesus — no God. For one endless, unbearable moment there is just you — and the Accuser.

Doing the mass was no problem. It was the sermon. I am not somebody who can step up to a lectern and spontaneously deliver a sermon to a hundred and fifty people. I felt paralyzed. I literally had no idea what to say to the Prior, when all of a sudden I heard a strong but gentle voice address me and say: "If you would like, Father, I can do the mass." Fr. Xavier, who, in my panic, I didn't even notice was standing right next to me, was looking at me, waiting for an answer.

I am remembering the words of Jesus: "I am coming at the moment you least expect!" What is Jesus saying? We often interpret these words of Jesus to mean something like: "Careful — you have no idea when I'm going to arrive. That means there is a very good chance that, when I do show up, you're going to be misbehaving.... Think about that — and be careful!" "The moment you least expect...." What moment is that? Is it the moment when you are misbehaving? It might be. Or maybe it's the moment when you've just done something so dumb, you can scarcely bear to be seen in your own company. I arrived at that moment this morning. And I met Jesus there. At a moment when I stood alone and terrified before the Accuser, so completely despising myself that I forgot God exists, Jesus came. I saw him. He spoke to me — and he saved me as he promised he would. "I am coming at the moment you least expect."

Father Raphael