Everything about Christmas Midnight Mass is glorious, mysterious, and unsettling. It is unsettling for a monk to have his normal schedule completely blown to smithereens by getting up at 11:30 at night. It is unsettling to walk into church and find a hundred men women and children sitting there facing the altar with quiet expectancy — and I mean quiet. It is amazing to me that one hundred people can be together in a room and not make a sound. It is lovely, but also unsettling to recall that on this night, in 1983, my vocation was born and I was born again. This was the night Jesus became real for me. On December 4, 1983, I had met monks for the first time, and a few weeks later attended my first Midnight Mass at a monastery. My discovery of the existence of monks when I was 26 was a complete surprise. I thought monks had gone out with the cross-bow. I had no idea men still lived like this. All my life I had listened to priests preach and nuns teach and I thought all of that was just fine. As a child, I liked to be around priests and nuns. I felt safe and cared for. They treated me really nice and I didn't know why. It was lovely. But somehow (I take the blame), the witness of these fine men and women left me with the impression that Christianity was something I could pursue as a side-line activity at certain special times and places. I don't think it ever occurred to me that being a Christian could be the motivation for refashioning your entire human existence. I hadn't really seen Christianity do that to anyone before. Life is comfortable in the suburbs and the practice of Christianity there seemed to me comfortable. As far as I could see it was a religion that left your life intact, left you free to look at Playboy or eat two "Big Macs" in one sitting, or just hang out and do nothing. Being a follower of Christ didn't need to interfere with any of this. Then, in 1983, I met Trappist monks for the first time. "Wow," I thought, "this is what a life hi-jacked by Jesus Christ looks like. An encounter with Jesus Christ can completely transform a person's life. Who is Jesus? Who are these men? I've never met people like this before." Meeting these men, Jesus and Christianity seemed like something that might be taken seriously, something you could "go all the way with" and your life would be completely changed. In my eyes, this was "going all the way" for God. And He was there. The place was haunted by Jesus and I don't mean Jesus — the guy, Jesus the guy like you and I. I mean Jesus the guy like you and I who is the Christ, the only begotten Son of God. He was there; he was very alive; and he wanted to talk to me: "Raphael, it's good to see you — it's been so long. When are we going to have some time to sit and talk?" Then it was I discovered the longing, the inexpressible longing I had always had to know Jesus and to belong to Him. What had I been doing? Why was I putting this off? Celebrating with Abbot Brendan, Paul Andrew, Stephen, Joseph and other brothers after Midnight Mass, I wondered where twenty seven years had gone. I believe I have made of my life the very best and most beautiful creation I am capable of. Today I celebrate with my brothers the decision we all made that Jesus is the Center and Lord of all, and to make our whole life an expression of that. Today, Jesus is born again in me and Christmas is the celebration of my birth in Him!

Father Raphael